Short story regarding the collection of our S1 Elise.
Ok so we been and gone and got it. So the Mrs said I have booked the flights and pre checked in so tomorrow we go to Manchester for your new toy, of course I reply thats nice of you darling thanks, so early start, BMW into Aberdeen Park and Ride and use my cheap offshore Vantage card for the discount, I explain we are only going for the day and will be back to collect the car later that night, ha-ha that was a joke.
So off we set, the flight was a bit bumpy and I explain to the Mrs that Jim will probably meet us at the airport with the car and as it is a two seater she will have to wait in the lounge while I do what everyone say you must do, test the car, go to the guys house to check it is a bona fide sale, check the paperwork and all the history, so far so good everything is as it should be so I hand over my hard earned cash then the first bomb shell, can you find your way back to the airport he says, it is only about 6 miles through the city and about three hundred roundabouts, ok I say with a blank look on my face after being given idiot proof directions. Well the Mrs has now been at the airport patiently waiting for about two hours when I get back but she is still smiling having had a cup of tea or two she is fine. Next stop fuel as with all car sales the bloody things are almost always dry when you get them, £40 to fill the tank now we understand why you guys have always to stop for top ups, tank filled so off we go.
While heading North in the pi+=ing rain I make a mental note, first job is to replace the squeaky wiper blade. It was at that point I noticed this strange sign, Welcome to Wales, oops I say, we must have missed the slip road, so find a flyover and start again, and still the wiper squeaks. Now we are heading in Northerly direction the plan is to have a pit stop at Truck Haven, brilliant food and very cheap, and still the wiper squeaks. Belly full with fresh cooked spicy sausage rolls and tea off we set again, yep still the wiper squeaks. I thinks let’s just take it canny for the first hour or two just to make sure all is ok so a sedate 65/70 for the first 150 miles then we creep up a bit to 70/75 and all is fine, plenty of road noise one or two rattles but nothing nasty except that bloody squeaky wiper blade.
Next stop Hamilton services which I hate as they Never have anything fresh and their fuel is always more expensive but I couldn’t be bothered getting of the motorway anywhere else, for the last two hours the rain has hammered down and on the radio we heard 97 flood warnings across the West and East coast and I think we went through every bloody one of them, we have a constant drip of water coming through the front corners of the soft top but it is not to bad but that wiper is getting on our nerves with the effin squeak.
Ok never mind another two and half hours and we should be home, plan the next stop for Stracahro, then straight up to Stuartfield, M6, M74, M73 then M80, now bare these numbers in mind they have great importance to our story. Pressing on through the now very very heavy rain we make good progress, still with that effin loud annoying squeaky wiper but hey ho it is doing the job it was designed for although BLOODY noisy. So the mental list is now wiper blade, one sidelight bulb and see if we can fix the soft top as my Right leg is now wet, but hey it’s a Lotus.
Now on the M73 the rain is so heavy we have to slow down to a sedate 80 on the outside lane, this part is interesting, this is where I learn how to drift a Lotus in the wet on a roundabout, hey this is fun, that is until you have done it three times in succession and the Mrs who is still hanging on to the front seat starts to give me funny looks as if to say this is no fun anymore, please stop, and still the bloody effin squeaky wiper blade drives me mad, well that was until doing 85 passing an arctic in a cloud of spray, in heavy rain, and just slowing down, in the dark the wiper blade suddenly went very quiet just at the point where you can’t see for the aforementioned spray and just as the Mrs said what the fu++ was that bang, sh*t say I, I can’t see a bloody thing, it would seem that the squeaky wiper blade decided that it did not like the Scottish rain and wanted to become a flying object, all the way down the centre of the M73 (important road number) so with nothing more to do but let the said arctic pass me on the inside, with my hazards on, yes they did work, I managed to get over to the hard shoulder and park at a safe distance off the road just as another juggernaught was testing to see if his bull horns and full beam lights worked when he was hard up my are++, but hey ho we were safe and stopped and no injuries.
And so the story starts, see I was really very clever and did remember to bring my nice new and up to date AA membership card with me so I pull out the magic mobile phone, ( great invention for lotus owners) and call the AA emergency number and explain where I am and that I had just past the big blue sign saying Sterling 17 miles so I said I must be about 15 miles South of Sterling heading North on the M73, now the girl being really clever asks the question, is there a marker post or can you walk to the nearest one and give me the number, well I kept my cool and gave a polite but short reply, no there effin is no marker post and did she know it was hammering down rain, blowing a gale and that it was not safe to walk on the motorway, OK so maybe not quite so strong but it was close, so we then crept along the hard shoulder until we came to the next marker post with number 308 clearly and very distinctly marked on in white paint against a blue reflective background, so I say to the lovely young girl, the number is 308 then she politely explains well that’s not a lot of help as the system does NOT recognise the numbers anyway, ok I say and repeat the story of the sign post saying Sterling 17 miles blah blah blah, ok says she a recovery truck will come and collect you within the hour and get you off the motorway and take you to a service station then one of our vans will come out with a wiper blade and get you on the way, great we thinks we will get home tonight, WRONG.
One and a half hours later and after several calls on my magic mobile we the discover that with the road works that have been going on for the last twenty years the road number now changes and it is no longer the M73 but the M80, hence this poor sod in a recovery truck could not find us but hey ho he is now on his way, we will go to a service station, the van will turn up with a wiper blade and off we will jolly well go, WRONG.
THE recover truck had instruction from the AA to go and have a look at the car, find the fault and if it were not repairable load it and take it to our desired destination, I of course explained all I need IS A WIPER BLADE. Bless him he made a few phone calls to Halfords, Dingbro and a few other local parts suppliers and came back with the information that no one carries a wiper blade for a Lotus Elise so he is to take us home, after much deliberations with my inner demons I managed to curb my by this time very sharp tongue and politely suggested that he take us to Sterling, at worst we would get a B&B for the night, fix it in the morning then make our way home, agreement made, load up and head for Sterling where he managed to get us the Holliday Inn where the receptionist at least gave us a discount as it was now just gone 8 pm and even threw in a free breakfast but it still cost £70, then of course we had to go for our evening meal, another £40, one expensive wiper blade.
Ah well hey ho it is a Lotus, we have a nice meal, and nice comfy bed and a nice breakfast and low and behold Halfords was only two hundred yards from the hotel door, so off we trot and have a good look, sure enough they do not list them but common sense sort of tells me something must fit and so after three different blades, and 8mm x 20mm nut and bolt to hold it in place we have a cracking new wiper blade that work’s and only cost £11 so remember guys Rover 200 series if you ever get stuck. Next stop pop into Morrison’s supermarket for a few cheap towels as by this time the car is full of water from last night’s deluge, get her all dried out and off we jolly well go again, as planned nest stop Stracathro , then on to Aberdeen pick up the BM and back home. Total Journey time home 25 hrs, fuel not too bad, mood well past the Richter scale, did I enjoy my first driving experience of the Elise, YES, loved the drifting part although unplanned, would I do that distance again, NOT WITHOUT A CUSHION. I am not going to comment on how my butt feels.
Do you know the best laugh of this story, we still smiled all the way home as we know what Lotus can be like but we get into the house looking forward to a nice shower only to find the
BLOODY KIDS HAVE BLOCKED THE DRAIN AND WE CANT’T USE THE +++++++ ++++++SHOWER.
Lotus we love them don’t we.
Attached Thumbnails
elie.jpg
to SE John & Wendy.
...clearly my anorak is not as good as yours 
