Scottish Elises

A Englishman, a Scotsman and an Welshman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a crate of booze, when Saudi police rush in and arrest them for having alcohol.
All three are sentenced to 20 lashes. As they prepare, the man carrying it out says he feels sorry for them and will grant them a wish.

The Englishman says: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This is done, but the pillow only lasts 10 lashes before the whip goes through.

The Welshman is next and asks: “Fix two pillows to my back.” But after 15 lashes the whip goes through.

The Saudi whipper turns to the Scotsman and says: “I like the Scots., you can have two wishes.” The Scotsman replies: “Firstly, give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave,” says the Saudi. “and your second wish?”
-
-
“Tie the Englishman to my back.”

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have some of that Weetabix sh*t !"
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*****g Weetabix!"

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

I heard Asda customers only shop there at night......








Apparently it's murder during the daytime!

badum-tish!

What's 3 feet long and goes around a f*nny??














a Celtic scarf!

badum-tish again!

Here all day folks!!

DDtB wrote:I heard Asda customers only shop there at night......


Apparently it's murder during the daytime!

badum-tish!

Just be carefull if you buy a 'bag for life',... they don't always last too long

I went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs.

Dancefloor was crawling with fanny!

rossybee wrote:I went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs.

Dancefloor was crawling with fanny!

Hell yeah, give me a heads up for the next one

Two OAPs are enjoying oral sex together.

The old man says "I can't stay down here any longer, it stinks"

The old lady replies "Sorry, it's my arthritis"

Old guy replies "Arthritis in your fanny?"

"No, in my arm, I can't wipe my arse"

Not a joke, but funny none the less

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=bd6_1264508947

For Jen

How to wash a cat (This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.):

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of
the kids.

Took her out with one punch




I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.




I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

one day in a little town in America:

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

And another................

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm cert ain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'