Stolen from the renault forum......

[Victor Meldrew]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.? Ok, this is bad.)

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."? (No, this was is worse.)

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."? (No, I take that back --- this one is definitely the worst!)

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

[Victor Meldrew]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears
to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes
a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very
slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely

'Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

[Victor Meldrew]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she Needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"
and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in
the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.
Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."

[Dominic]

[gorrie]

I apologise now....

[Surreal mode on]

The M73 & the M8 are having an argument about which one of them is the hardest road in the central belt. The A725 is looking on but keeping out of it for fear of getting a smack.

Just then, a thin sliver of tarmac pipes up "I'm the F*cking hardest right.. so shut yer f*cking pipe-holes". The M8 & M74 are silent, and slightly nervous. The A725 appearing puzzled whispers to the M8 "What's up? I'm pretty sure you could take that little bit of tarmac".

The M8 replies "No way mate... he's a F*cking cyclepath"

[/Surreal Mode]

George and Sharky are 2 fish in a tank. George turns to Sharky and asks 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Andy.

[Edin430]

[BiggestNizzy]

Very good,

stole them all, forwarded them on and now I'm the office's comic genius

cheers

[Victor Meldrew]

[Victor Meldrew]

[Victor Meldrew]

And one for Richard H

[Victor Meldrew]

original