Jokes...................Give Us A Laugh

[Mikie711]

Cheap Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that
was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his Ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex,
Sunderland, Glasgow, Wales and anywhere in Weymouth !!



A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[tut]

Now they are funny.

tut

ps presume that you are offshore with eff all to do.

[Mikie711]

Now they are funny.

tut

ps presume that you are offshore with eff all to do.

Nope. Just trying to get past page 4!!!!


Do not read if your blonde

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.

[Edin430]

Tut, completely respect what you are saying and it wasn't a cheap dig.

My point is that everyone is offended by different things - jokes do not in any way offend me where as clearly some do offend others. Humour is also a matter of taste, as for example, the jokes posted are not funny to me, the ones I posted are. For this reason jokes threads should not exist as they are too hard to police and too hard to gauge unless all jokes, regarldess of how blue they are, are allowed.

Also, I find it funny how people say that they only want us to only post stuff that their children wouldn't be offended reading - with all respect, if we are to police the forum this way then I certainly wouldn't want my children (if I had any) reading about your viagra prescription, along with manhood size as detailed in another currently live thread. If your going to make rules then they should apply to everyone, in every thread I could think of 10's of occasions when lines have been crossed and yet it's never picked up on, due to the person that posted the comment IMHO.

[roadboy]

This is why we have moderators Lewis. You're posts offended and were reported. That's why Robin got involved. If people were offended by Tut's Viagra posts then they can report it to the moderators and the necessary steps would be taken. If we all act like adults then there is no reason for threads like this to get out of hand.

/2p

Dan

[Edin430]

This is why we have moderators Lewis

Good point

[Mikie711]

[scott_e]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie,
Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found nothing. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

[philthy]

X7LDA's removed post had me in tears


Two condoms are walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Come on, let's get sh*t faced".

[Mikie711]

X7LDA's removed post had me in tears


Two condoms are walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Come on, let's get sh*t faced".

OOOOOOOOOOH your going to get into trouble for that one.

Cracking joke BTW

[Shug]

Moderation on SE has traditionally been very hands off as most members are mature enough to know how far to take it and generally don't want to offend the general user base. One of the great strengths of the community spirit you generally find here IMO.

A shame if that's no longer the case, real shame. The call would then have to be made (probably in some long-winded waste of time poll/discussion/hot-air blowing p*sh) on whether the moderation becomes more strict, or we let it descend into more of a free-for-all c*nting session. Either way, I'm pretty sure SE as the forum we know would change it's fundamental feel.

All for the sake of some 'fruity' jokes. That anyone with an ounce of common sense would see doesn't fit with the general run of chat on here.

That, I'd be genuinely sad about.

[roadboy]

Dan

[Mikie711]

Can you lot try to keep this in context, the thread has been view 1500+ times and there has been one complaint. Based on the premiss that you can't please all the people all the time that's not bad going.

If someone finds a joke offensive how about they first PM the person who posted it and point out it's a bit close to the bone, in poor taste what ever and they delete it. Like shug said we are all adults surely it can't be that hard.

[tut]

Sorry Mike, the poster knows before he posts whether it is acceptable or not. If in doubt don't post it.

You started the thread, and your jokes have been humorous and not offensive. I am not a Moderator, but two who are and started up S_E1 and S_E2 are, and have said what they thought.

tut

[S111Y TT]

Moderation on a jokes topic is a very sticky subject. It goes down the same route as your political correctness. Blonde jokes would be forbidden as they may be perceived in a prejudice manner. It could go as far as doctor doctor jokes are forbidden because a doctor takes offence to it.

True, people must be sensible, but what can you deem as a PG joke. I have one, that could be seen as offensive but I doubt anyone younger than 16 would even understand it. I would consider it as appropriate for this forum, and would not question it, so it would be interesting to see if anyone else does.


Q). What is worse than a dog eating your shoe?

A). A whale eating your trainer!




In reference to the viagra comment above, I think it is fair to say nobody was offended by it more so than myself, however the matter was not handled in a distasteful manner. That would be the difference. Mikey is very careful with his wording which is probably why little offence has been taken.

Every joke posted has been hilarious although some were slightly distasteful, even though that appeals to my sense of humour there still isn't a place for it on here.

Put in the topic heading that some jokes may cause offence, do not read if easily offended and it is problem solved, you could even have two topics. A PG one and an X rated one.

Personally, to me a joke is a joke, whether it is about race, hair style, what car you drive or what you got up to last night with your partner it makes no difference. It should be seen light heartedly no matter what it contains.

For the purpose of this site it should be simmered down. Think before you post and change words about, not to discredit any youths, although I am probably one of the youngest who posts, but a 12 year old won't know what you are on about if you word your joke in a certain manner. Also we all know the system of Tuts, why not apply something here? Discretion is all that is being asked. Hopefully a solution is found because I greatly enjoy this topic when I become bored at work!

Cheers

Ian