Jokes...................Give Us A Laugh

[H8OAG]

Gordon Brown..........

Our country's great leader was visiting a rural primary school in Angus and Primary 5B was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy' so our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"

[Sanjøy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFDtuQugJ4w

[undone]

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy!


Who takes over when he's on holiday?

The Hip replacement guy!

[Scotty C]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect golf vacation.

Two days before the group were to leave Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Bill's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three set to the golf resort only to find Bill has already checked in, been to the driving range and was practicing his putting.

Damn, man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?

Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said
'guess who'?

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals scattered all over the bed and ...... handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do whatever you want."

So here I am!

[Mikie711]

Obituary of the late Mr Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not
inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded
in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his
daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To
Blame, and I'm A Victim.


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing..........

[Mikie711]

The Lizard and the Koala Bear

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Mikie711]

Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver
of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . And you know how you just
get-so-stressed... And life... Sometimes life seems like...
Suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF!
He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me.
Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at
him and I said,

"Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started.

[a4drk]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and
my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a
sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug
going round, and it's contagious."
>
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[ClarkyBoy]

. ...and this is our future ?



The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Edin430]

Disclaimer - Please don't read if you are easilly offended....

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Vernon Kay - The only bloke stupid enough to ruin his marraige by asking a page 3 girl for a picture of her t!ts.

Like most people my age, i'm 23.

10 reasons why men are lazy: .... 1)

Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it

Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? ............ To get to the other side.

My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us....... Ha ha ha "erect".

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

Emmmmmm - If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand?

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack....... She hasn't even got a car.

I organised a threesome last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

A G N B is bang out of order.

America: a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real.

Who here wants to play a game of rape? No? That's the spirit!

Josef Fritzl; Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'.

Postman Pat, Postman Pat
Postman Pat and his unionised cat,
Early in the morning,
They're still in bed a-snoring,
And I'm wondering WHERE'S MY F*CKING POST YOU TWAT.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

Looks aren't everything? Bet you've never wanked over someones personality.

A girl i was trying to chat up in a bar last night said to me, "I wouldn't fcuk you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look off her face.

I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat....you fat bitch."

No YouPorn!!!!! I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.

So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

Tea is for mugs.

DERREN BROWN'S alwAys plaCing sUblimiNal picTures in his television shows.

[Mel]

Man goes to the zoo,
There is only a dog there,
Its a Sh1tzu.

[mwmackenzie]

Man goes to the zoo,
There is only a dog there,
Its a Sh1tzu.

God thats even worse than the crap I posted!

[a4drk]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow" !

[Edin430]

Man goes to the zoo,
There is only a dog there,
Its a Sh1tzu.

holy...........................f*ck..................................

get out

[Edin430]

Man goes to the zoo,
There is only a dog there,
Its a Sh1tzu.

holy...........................f*ck..................................

get out

edit: keep it clean lads!!!