Wheely Bad Jokes

[r10crw]

Why Ethel changed Hotels,

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[rossybee]

Two nuns in a bath.

One says to the other "where's the the soap?"

To which the other replies "yes it does, doesn't it"

Am I missing something?

tut

Yup

Repeat in an english accent

[rossybee]

Two mates over a pint, one says:

"I think my wife's dead"

The other: "Why?"

"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are fairly piling up"

[Sanjøy]

What cheese would you use to hide a horse?






Mascarpone.

[pete]

"I went to see that new film about James Hunt and the other bloke, Niki, errm oh what's his surname?"

"Lauda."

"WHAT WAS HIS SURNAME?"

[rossybee]

Two ducks flying over Belfast.

One turns to the other: "Quack Quack!"

The other replies "I'm going as fast as I fecking can!"

[robin]

where's == wears

Two nuns in a bath.

One says to the other "where's the the soap?"

To which the other replies "yes it does, doesn't it"

Am I missing something?

tut

[tut]

Thanks Robin, still could not get it even after Ross explained.

Bet I was not the only one.

tut

[robin]

To be fair, you weren't missing much

[tut]

Compared to the others it was a bit of a nunentity.

tut

[robin]

On a slippery sloap ...

[rossybee]

My signature is now dedicated to you both

[DJ]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
The labrador sighed.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden!"

[DJ]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[avdb]

I went to see my local football team and 2 fans were arrested.

One was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks.

One was charged and the other let off.