Jokes...................Give Us A Laugh

[mwmackenzie]

Errrrrrm............

What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
She went to sea a movie.

What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.

What do massage therapists eat for dinner?
Spa-ghetti.

Why was the chicken happy?
Everything was eggcellent.

What do you call a video of pedestrians?
Footage.


There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.




I'm really sorry about these

[jen]

Ah Mark, they're rubbish!!!

Mike, very good! I'm guessing you havent tried that with Jack yet then?!

Jen

[mwmackenzie]

What did the driver say when her ran over a biscuit?














Crumbs!

[mwmackenzie]

What do you get if you cross a flower with a lion?














I don't know either but I wouldn't want to smell it

I watch far too much cbeebies!

[point n squirt]

Why dont the British make computers

They dont know how to make them leak oil

[j2 lot]

Guy goes into Ann Summers and ask for a blow up doll.
Assistant says' Male or female? '
' Female'
'Black or white?'
'White'
' Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says ' What the hell has religion got to do with it?'
'Muslim one blows itself up'

[BiggestNizzy]

Little Johnny is in school and the teacher says to the class if anyone can correctly answer these questions they can have a half day.

Q1 who said "ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

Before Johnny can answer Jenny Shouts out JFK

The teacher then sends Jenny home.

Q2 who said "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed"

Before Johnny can answer Sarah Shouts out Martin Luther King.

The teacher then sends Sarah home.

Johnny is getting pretty miffed and as the teacher turn her back he says "I wish those bitches would shut the f**k up"

Who said that shouts the teacher

Tiger woods replies Johnny I'm off home

[BiggestNizzy]

Anyone else watch Shrek 3D at the weekend ?

his 100th goal for Man United was a peach.

[H8OAG]

New anti-depressant for Lesbians..........

Trycoxagain

[tut]

Little Johny was late for school.

Teacher asks why are you late Johny?

My dad got burnt miss.

Oh dear, I hope it was not serious.

They don't fcuk around at the Crematorium miss.

tut

[meatball]

[Mikie711]

“Bought a trampoline to replace our bed - the wife nearly hit the roof”

“I just split up with my cross eyed girlfriend - I was sure she was seeing someone else”

"Never joke about a dwarf with an IQ of 60 - its not big and its not clever !"


A boy asks his granny,

'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies,

F@&k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!



A man sits down in a restaurant, gets hit on the back of the head with a prawn cocktail

…he looks round and a bloke points at him and says "and that’s just for f****** starters"!!!

[DavieK]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'


The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

[gorrie]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 penny."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"5 pence," he replies.
"FIVE PENCE! Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
"Same as I'm doing to his business."

What did the hat say to the scarf?
"You hang around here, I'll go on ahead"

A bloke in a bar leant over to the guy next to him and said, “Want to hear a blond joke?”
The guy next to him replied:
“Well before you tell that joke, I am 6′ tall, 200 lbs and I am blond. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2, weighs 225 and he’s blond. The fella next to him is 6′5″” and 250 and blond. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?”
The first bloke said, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

[H8OAG]

This one still makes me laugh.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGQbgrp6 ... re=related