Was being sarcastic in my comment but never mind.tut wrote:Ah yes, forgot to mention that the 0400 call was asking me why you had Ian's driving licence, bank card and AA card.
Bollocks Ian, I was woken up in the early hours of the morning by the sergeant at Liverpool police station when you went down for the Grand National, and decided to take out the DJ cos he would not play your song, then try and take the bouncers on as well. At least he did not have to pay a fine, so he is one up.
Twas not Clare's fault, a fat slapper trod on her foot
dad
My night in Liverpool was quite eventful. I did have a fantastic laugh with the coppers though. Restored my faith in the police force. I did deserve to be there because the police did catch me going for the bouncer but it wasn't for nothing. I had been slapped by the dj because I told him he was a prick when he got aggressive towards me and so after he slapped me I intended to slap him back. Bouncers were called and were putting me out, I went with no resistance as it was almost the end of the night. One of the bouncers let go of me outside, the other decided to punch me in the back of the head. I freaked, went for him, he hid behind his door and so I smashed my head against it and started provoking him to come outside. Police just so happened to be strolling past behind me, not so good. Was cuffed, again went with no difficulty.
Back of a van along with a few others and started chatting to the policeman who had cuffed me about how I'd never been lifted before and was actually quite excited which he cracked up about. Then asked if he could maybe loosen the cuffs a little as I was due in for surgery on my elbow next week. He knew I would be no hassle and so agreed but just as he was doing it Hitler's daughter appeared on the bus and pointed out that they were not supposed to be comfy and I could make do. This was wear I commented to the policeman beside me about how she was a right mini Hitler, he laughed out loud and we both got the dagger eyes. She then asked me if I planned to continue being this cheeky until they had me in a cell. I replied quite calmly and in as sweet a voice as possible, "only if you continue to be so nice to me hunny". Policeman beside me again struggling not to laugh while I received the dagger treatment once again. So she was obviously known for being quite a hard ass.
The cells in Liverpool that night were full and so I was to be taken out to Aintree, this would have suited me if there was horse racing the next day because it's very close to the grounds, however there were no races the other day and I was quite far away from my friend, who had the car. Since the van was not going to Aintree they instead transported me in a smaller van. So the officer beside me put me into the back and jumped in the front beside the driver. Since my hands were cuffed this next stage became very painful. This van had a row of seats down the far left and far right side of the van, it was small and it had a cage between me and the driver. I don't think this driver was much of a people person because the first thing my accompanying officer said was that I was a pretty good guy and take it easy. I didn't understand what he meant until the guy started driving at such a speed that I was literally thrown from one end of the van to the other, then as he braked I was face grinding the metal cage. Definitely how that guy gets his kicks.
Anyway when we got to the cells and they were booking me in I shared my story with them and we had a good laugh. Mainly about the fact that I was out with a group of thirty girls on a hen night and have now ended up in the cells where I was going to be raped by a large aggressive man named Bubba. They took my belongings and such, as they did so they asked me a few questions, like if I was likely to harm myself. My reply being, "is the wallpaper really that bad?"
As they took my belongings they noticed something in my shirt pocket, whilst in the club there were a number of dare cards handed out. Of course when the police were taking them the best one had to be on top! "Get on all fours and bark like a dog!" 
They asked if these were games that me and my boyfriend had been playing. I did explain that I got to demonstrate my favourite Kama Sutra position on the most gorgeous bridesmaid to be. Not sure if they thought that was just a cover story though. Anyway eventually after my phone call to daddy to ensure significant worrying and a nice long chat with the desk officers I was led to my room, ensuite believe it or not, not only that but the bed was comfier than the hotel one I had slept in the previous night. I set my head down but was disturbed by my neighbouring room chanting Liverpool football songs. He wasn't going to shut up so I figured I may as well make some fun out of being in a locked cell where nobody could get to me. My reply to his song began, "Glory, Glory Man United!" That was the first and probably the last night that I will fall asleep to the sound of death threats and promises of being stabbed the following morning.After 3 or so hours sleep I was woken by a knocking on the door and being told I had been a good boy, was fully sober and we could now part ways after a few technicalities. Finger printing etc took place after my wonderful breakfast. In the morning I had received a coffee and the female Desk Sergeant (not sure how to spell it) even took a liking to me while we discussed Tiger Woods during the Golf and when I commented on how good her breakfast smelt she gave me a piece of bacon. My Hotel I had booked didn't even include breakfast. They even called my friend and arranged for him to pick me up as my phone had no battery. We said our goodbyes, I thanked them and apologized for causing them any inconvenience. They described me as the most charming Scotsman they had ever met. That doesn't say much for our nation seeing as they only met me due to having to arrest me, but it was a compliment none the less and left me with a smile on my face. Oh how I love a girl in uniform!
So in summary and for my review for the small fee of £80 (my charge) it was an amazing service and I would recommend anybody travelling to the Liverpool area to take advantage of the marvellous hospitality of that residence.
