Jokes...................Give Us A Laugh

[mwmackenzie]

Every joke posted has been hilarious although some were slightly distasteful, even though that appeals to my sense of humour there still isn't a place for it on here.

I STRONGLY OBJECT! Not one of my jokes were funny nor were they supposed to be

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Mark

[S111Y TT]

I laughed! lol.

Q). How do you make holy water?

A). You take regular water and you boil the hell out of it!





Q). How did Mr T order his food at the restaurant?

A). He talked with his mouth, fool!



The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:


LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

[cstrachan]

An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in
English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow
sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink
day.."

The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana,
a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..

Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone
"green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"

[J-Man]

An older gentleman retires from work and decides to reward himself by spending his golden handshake on a new car. He'd never been able to buy a sports car before & was really excited when he went to pick it up, on a lovely sunny afternoon. It was the only one of that colour in Scotland. Whilst driving the car home he loses sense of time and is busily engaged with the whole experience, and the pleasure of driving his dream machine. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots blue flashing lights behind him, and with that familiar sinking feeling pulls over for the inevitable. The PC asks him if he knows what speed he was travelling at, and he confesses to driving at 75mph, but qualifies this by saying that he had been distracted by the fact that it was a new car, and that he had not realised how fast he was going. The policeman, who is also an older gentleman, is impressed by his honesty and accurate response. So he tells him, that as he is just finishing his shift, if the driver can give him a really good excuse for his speeding, then he will let him off. There is only one condition, and that is that the excuse has to be original, and that it has to be one that he has not heard before. Without a moments hesitation the driver replies, that some 20 years earlier his wife had run away with the local policeman. When he'd seen the blue lights behind him, he'd suddenly panicked at the thought that she was being returned!

[Mikie711]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"














A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

[r10crw]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"














A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

Nae bad Mike, you know its gotta be a true story!

[tut]

Jeremy that was actually true in my case. Driving back from Inverness to home on the A96, 60 road, and the windscreens wipers packed up in teeming rain. Tried 70 but the rain was not clearing, but was OK at 75. Passed a hidden radar Patrol car and he took off after me. Told him that I knew that I was over the limit, but I had a good reason. He said that if he had not heard it before he would let me off.

They are not all bad.

tut

[S111Y TT]

Clear!!! Zappp!!! The topic has been resurrected!!!!

DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Lincolnshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Lincolnshire . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

[ceejam]

Gae'iz a joab...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Celtic supporter walks into the local welfare office to pick up his benefits cheque. He marches straight over to the counter and says, “Hi, how are you? I hope you know that I just hate drawing benefits, I'd really much rather have a job and earn a living for myself because sponging off the state is eradicating my dignity and sense of self-esteem. I’m intelligent, well dressed, hard-working, conscientious and prepared to graft all day, can you help me in my quest for employment”?

The social worker behind the counter replies, “Your timing is absolutely amazing, we just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful teenage daughters. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, all meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughters on their overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy their sexual urges, as the daughters are both is in their mid-20s and have rather strong sex drives. The job comes with a two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, and bar, all for your sole use, and the salary is £200,000 a year, plus expenses”.

The Celtic supporter says “You're bull****ting me”.

The social worker answered, “Well you started it, now f**k off''.

[PhilA]

one atom says to another, "i feel like ive lost an electron."
"are you sure?"
"yeah, im positive"

[k12chu]

a white missionary goes to stay with an african tribe community.
1 year down, the tribal king's wife gives birth a white boy.
the king is angry and want to kill the white missionary, asks him what he has done to the wife?
the white missionary says, "look at all those white goats in your field, there is one black one"

the king replies, "ok! fine! i wont kill you, but dont tell anybody about the black goat!"

[k12chu]

india and pakistan never get along, so we come across a lot of these country based jokes back home.
here is one (no offense meant to any pakistani)

what do u say when 1 pakistani goes to the moon? PROBLEM
what do u say when 100 pakistanis go to the moon? PROBLEM
what do u say when ALL pakistanis go to the moon? PROBLEM SOLVED!

[tenkfeet]

Paddy's girlfriend gets a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks it's feckin amazing because if you put your ear on it you can actually smell the sea .

[mwmackenzie]

one atom says to another, "i feel like ive lost an electron."
"are you sure?"
"yeah, im positive"

GEEK!

[r055]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.


Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.


Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other.....




'Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'