I couldn't resist this one. C'mon guys, Walker Texas Ranger... Quite possibly the best show ever. He lives in Texas, is a cop, drives a insanely large truck, rocks cowboy boots and whips ass. If that doesn't make you want to stand up and solute ol' glory than you're a terrorist barsteward.
So, here are 30 things you didn't know about Chuck Norris.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
3. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
4. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
7. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
9. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
10. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
12. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
13. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fcuk with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
15. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
16. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
17. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
18. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
20. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
21. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
22. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
24. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
27. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
28. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "fcuk."
29. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
30. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2005 at Tuesday, November 15, 2005. You can skip to the end and leave a response.
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6 comments:
6:32 PM
Best Post ever!!!
9:48 PM
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This
is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
11:10 AM
Seriously, #23 needs to be on a shirt. Like one of those bruce lee shirts. It could just have his badass face on the front with that line emblazoned on the back.
I ripped this off and tossed it on myspace, and the word on the street is that it's being passed around State Street as a memo.
2:44 PM
Number 13 was hilarious. There's just something divinely funny about using woodchuck to tick off Chuck Norris.
5:41 PM
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party && proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and sh*t on their floor .. just because he's Chuck Norris *
10:17 PM
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
If you can see CHUCK NORRIS, CHUCK NORRRIS can see you. If you can't see him, you may be seconds away from death
30 Things you didn't know about Chuck Norris
30 Things you didn't know about Chuck Norris
W213 All Terrain
If College-Themed Porn Were Real
Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)
Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)
Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
W213 All Terrain
