One for Rich!

Andy G · Post by **Andy G** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:23 am

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF _always_ inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

/_And the best one for last_/..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

woody · Post by **woody** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:45 am

the old ones are the best

Quantas have got to be the most utterly anal customers we deal with, but their record shows that it pays

Tom · Post by **Tom** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:45 am

Rich H · Post by **Rich H** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 5:11 pm

Classics!

Snag:
TV Tabs (Computer screens in the back) flicker at +3g
Fix:
Unable to reproduce fault on ground

My favorite one from one of our aircrew in Eng Ops:

Stick Monkey:
I think there is a knob missing from the cockpit.

Me:
Yep, I can see....

Other classics are things such as:

The panel lights don't work

Have you tried the dimmer?

Theres a dimmer?

Also what I like to remind the pilots:

If it stops leaking, that just means it's run out.

The no-loss hydraulic system needs a top up, it'll be fine

1litre an hour is a perfectly normal leak rate for the no loss system, you have to loose 12 before we even let you know, I mean you've got 15.....

The last things you want to hear from a techie:

It'll do a trip.

Or:

No Fault Found (NFF)
translates as: Not Fcuking Fixed or No Fault Friday!

TTFN
Rich
(Her Majesty's Finest faction

)

Scottd · Post by **Scottd** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:52 am

tut · Post by **tut** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:15 pm

As a pilot I had to have complete confidence in my engineers, especially in Oman, as in a single engined helicopter, a forced landing in enemy territory was not a pleasant prospect.

99.9% of the time, they never let you down, but I was not too pleased when I went out one day to take off for a new Operation, only to find on the pre-flight that the tail rotor was missing.............

tut

Rich H · Post by **Rich H** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 1:11 pm

We haven't had anything quite that bad...yet!

woody · Post by **woody** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:34 pm

We had an LPT on an engine we done 3000 hours ago seperate at the stgae 1 disc about a fortnight ago

Luckily it landed fine....

Rich H · Post by **Rich H** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:53 pm

Helicopters? I used to work with Pumas, you'll never get me up in one contraptions (Unless I'm getting paid alot!) Mind you their engines were tough as old boots, one took a pigeon along with half the sand guard with no problems.

Here we have to keep engines on the wing for as long as possible.... but 3000 hours is quite a long time! Max is about 800, normally much less!

We tend to FOD them long before they get near life.

woody · Post by **woody** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:15 pm

No we only do GE CF6 comercial Fans, that was on of the older type engines about halfway between overhauls. It was on a DC10 in the states.

Take it you're in the RAF or Navy?

Rich H · Post by **Rich H** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:23 pm

3000 hours makes sense now...

RAF, I'm at Leuchars, Tornado F3s with the mighty (Over complicated and expensive) Rolls Royce RB199 Mk 104s