TOSSERS TAKE TYPE-R TOP TEN
There was good news for Honda this week with the release of the Motor Industry National Guild of Expert's latest figures for new car sales to wankers. The British-built hot hatch has secured a remarkable lead over its nearest rivals by entering the complete bell-end sales top ten for the first time, straight in at number two. 'The Civic Type-R has been selling well for a while now,' noted one industry observer. 'But this new chart position is something much more significant. It means the Honda has really become a complete nobber's favourite and that if you encounter a Type-R on the road you will probably notice that the driver is a total penis. Of course, driving like a cock isn't enough. This new ranking has been bolstered by other activities, in particular the hyper aggressive defence of the car on one-make internet discussion boards and a refusal to acknowledge that it isn't necessarily the best hot hatch in the entire world. Honda must be delighted. That really is the kind of utterly twatty behaviour you just can't buy.'
Elsewhere in the wanker top ten the loyal devotion of lame wannabes kept the BMW 318i at number one, a slot it has occupied for as long as anyone can remember. BMW's popularity amongst total ringpieces also kept the M3 and X5 in fourth and eight places respectively. With the Civic Type-R in at two, the Porsche Boxster slipped to third, and there was good news for Mitsubishi whose Evo VIII moved ahead of the Subaru Impreza WRX, helped by the anonymous internet poster who last month doctored Sniff Petrol's own spoof Evo advert so that it read 'Always one step ahead', something that effortlessly exposed the high wanker contingent now amongst the Evo driving community, whilst also making no fcuk sense whatsoever. The Audi TT remains a top ten fixture and it was good to see a concerted programme of motorway tailgating and inappropriate sunglasses wearing has paid dividends for the now very wankery A4. Finally, good news for Citroen as the Saxo fills in the tenth place once again. That's got to be something worth celebrating, perhaps by using your front fogs when the visibility is perfect and then driving at 52mph in a 30 zone.
The twatty top ten
1. BMW 318Ci
2. Civic Type-R
3. Porsche Boxster
4. BMW M3
5. Mitsubishi Evo VIII
6. Impreza WRX
7. Audi TT
8. BMW X5
9. Audi A4
10. Citroen Saxo
*PS apologies to anyone that owns any of the above cars (actually only to those with typeR/evo/impreza), it just made me chuckle
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